20 March 2020 : Covid-19 Major Breakdown

So...what can I say....this has been the longest day of my life......I sit here typing at 6.30am on 21 March...I haven't been to sleep, I haven't really eaten.....

So it started well, no temp, a little bit of a cough but nothing major, I got stuck into work, loads to do, the schools are closing (have I said that.....) so many things to get done to support our valuable teachers and students. Great distraction, focus focus focus.......few little flaps in the day....nothing major, .......stay in and stay safe.

I watched the news.... I haven't really been doing that and there is a very good reason why....they announced that pubs, clubs, restaurants etc were closing......what do the invincibles do.......rush out to the pub for that last drink, I am amazed when I see the news reporters right up in their faces ....why are you getting so close to these invincibles...imbeciles comes to mind (I will refer to them as that going forward, cos we all know they are not invincible) ....yes go out, no-one is saying you can't get exercise, , always staying away from others, not touching absolutely anything, not sure how I will cope but we will see, I will keep you updated.

Do exercise in the garden, do facetime drinks with your friends but please wake up and realise that this hasn't even started yet.. ....two weeks you can incubate this killer disease, two weeks.....you may not show symptoms but you may pass it on to your mum or your dad or your grandparents, a critical worker....just wise up....I will not be responding to imbeciles if you comment, these will be ignored. Don't really care what you say cos lives matter.....every life matters.....stay at home.....protect the NHS and protect yourselves.....

Of course watching this on the news made my anxiety go sky high......I started having palpitations, pains in my chest, (another symptom of the virus as well). Now my rational mind is telling me this is anxiety, shut up.......give yourself a kick.....however that anxiety - well it is gonna kill me not the virus. I got that little tickle back in my throat except it felt like something was lodged in my throat like a fish bone.....I was totally freaking out.

Went into full blown anxiety attack, my husband is sitting having a beer thinking I have completely lost the plot......I said I can't breathe, I can't breathe.....I stood up and went into the garden and walked around taking deep breaths......took about ten minutes to calm down.

We sat down to watch some telly but someone sent me a link to a life saving wonder cocktail of vitamins.....well why would you do that, now you set me off again.......

I was crying snot all over my hands, omg I am snotting on my hands, where is the bleach......my hands are raw....more tears, more handwashing. I think I washed my hands for the whole of Bohemian Rhapsody.......My hubby actually held me (at a distance) but i didn't want to put my face near his in case I infect him so I put my snotty nose all over his lovely jacket (23-19 boil wash required - ps is everyone running their washing machine constantly, never mind the frigging toilet roll what about the washing powder) now don't start panic buying that as well you people.......

Ok so very dramatic but the pains in my chest would not stop.....so I decided to go to bed (I am not sleeping in the same bed as my husband in case I infect him with the possibility that I have the virus but mostly because he snores like a warthog when he has a few bees) I am in the shed.....not really I am in my daughter's bedroom who is self isolating (she better be) with her boyfriend.......

I practised meditation, mindfulness, gratitude (really...) positivity (definitely struggling with that one).......I did breathing exercises, positions to loosen my chest. I tried everything - not a thing worked, the pain in my chest persists, - you know how they describe on the NHS website - tightening of the chest......similar to that caused by anxiety.......I did the NHS 111 - it said ring 999 - I said to myself, don't be ridiculous it is anxiety. That lasted about 5 minutes, I have emailed lots of help groups for guidance on coping with this anxiety....

I have not slept....it is now nearly 7am, my chest is loosening.....a little, my husband is up and about so I better go down and put that smile on my face.....I am going to do lots of work in the garden today, if the fresh air can help the anxiety.....please bring in testing for the sanity of the nation....I worry about being infected but I worry more about infecting my whole family......kids will brush it off but my hubby's high blood pressure terrifies me.......

I am known to embellish a story for good listening/reading so probably not quite as dramatic as above........another day done....might have to have a nap this afternoon. Writing this is very therapeutic, I can laugh at myself, acknowledge my fears, acknowledge my anxiety and move on.........